Black Pearl Creation’s Blog

If you read my little piece of the ‘net, you know my downstairs neighbors are abhorrant people. Well, it’s happy dance time because my landlord called and THEY.ARE.GONE! Need I say more? Nope!!

Now that I have had a workout and am in the presence of a fairly good day, I think I can write this post with a little bit more honesty than I really want to.

I have always realized I am not a beautiful woman. I was always too nice, and great to hang around but never good enough to be serious with. I attributed this to my friendly, Californian personality (so I was always easy to walk on) and not being pretty. The pretty girls always had the boyfriends and now they have the husbands. I was just seriously getting used to the way I looked and my character. I was content with my bigger than should be hips, my nappy hair, my little pudge, my vivacious laugh and the uncanny ability to embarass my son at the drop of a dime!

The painful truth is breast cancer attacks a woman’s femininity. And not some of it but ALL of it. From her breasts, to her hair, to her teeth to her self-esteem, to her lack of energy and spunk, all aspects that makes a woman a woman is under fire from breast cancer. Not only that, but most women don’t feel like a woman unless they have a boyfriend (we’ll leave the homosexual digression to another time). As I stated before, being a bald, one-breasted woman is not going to attract the boys.

As such, this disease has forced me to face some inconvenient truths about myself:

1. I AM jealous of Barbie. (They are all around me!)
2. I AM being broken down, piece by piece.
3. I AM NOT completely happy with my life, accomplishments or the total person I am.

It’s also forcing me to accomplish inconvenient goals:

1. I HAVE to leave the house confident everyday or it’s just going to go downhill from there.
2. I HAVE to accept who I am. My weaknesses, failures, everything.
3. I HAVE to get others to accept me for who I am. I can no longer rely on my fleeting looks.

I’m here, hooked up, in my chair, getting the saline drip and ready to get started! But let me tell you what happened before I was in my winter wonderland.

This morning, my ride, “Butch” arrives to bring me to chemo. He is an older man, retired and volunteers quite a bit with the American Cancer Society. He picks up me and LeShon and apologizes for the smell. It seems his dogs (white dogs – I’m wearing dark brown) like to eat the snow while he is using the snowblower. So we are coming into the clinic and I am smelling doggie. Now I love dogs and have even owned some but that’s why I have leather seats in my car. My main concern is I hope the smell doesn’t make me sick in this man’s van!

((Drugs are taking effect))

We get to the clinic and my port has to be accessed for the first time. It was installed last Friday so it’s still a little tender. The nurse (very nice but will remain nameless) has to insert a needle into my chest to the port. I held my breath and it felt like a quick bee sting. She said it was flushing back correctly but there was some resistance on the fluid going in. She tested it a few times and was satisfied. I then went to go meet with my doctor.

My doctor is a nice guy and wants to make sure I am comfortable with everything going on. He tells me my scans are good but they found 3 abscessed teeth. WTH? I don’t even know what an abscess tooth is! My teeth feel great, thank you. After being faced with the prospect of having my 3 lower front teeth pulled, the dentist said we are ok for today but to see him pronto!

So we come into the chemo room and I am in chair 12. The chair with the bird feeders and view. Yes!!! I also have plugs for laptop, cell and mp3 (which I need to organize LeShon’s). The nurse comes back and tells me there is some resistance in inserting the drug. The way to fix it is to take out the 3/4 inch needle and insert the 1 inch needle. Yeah,right. Please remember these pin pokes are in my chest! She make the change and feels much better due to the medicine they are giving me.

I can’t tell what i AM TYping anymore. Twitter is about all I can handle right now!

Between the many doctor’s appointments, kids acting up, my emotional roller coaster, my inconsiderate neighbors, and my job I have been in a funk for the last few days. Do I feel like I am coming out of the fog? Hardly.

Yesterday was the straw on the camel’s back as far as scheduling for doctor’s appointments. I made my appointment for a chemo prep surgery for the 18th. The 18th worked for me, my job, kids, everything. A lady from the oncology clinic decided to reschedule my appointment to Monday. If you follow me on Twitter, you know Monday’s are PAYROLL! Needless to say, even though she was trying to help, I was aggrevated. I can make my own appointments, thank you.

I have on average 6 appointments a week. Each appoinment can run anywhere from an hour to 2 hours. My calendar is deceiving because it looks like I have a life!

The kids are just driving me nuts. I don’t know if I am overly tired and stressed and over reacting but someone is going to get hurt and it’s not going to be me.

My neighbors are inconsiderate, rude, trashy, obnoxious and nasty. They are the parents of the lovely 19 year old who decided to assault my son. They literally run when they see me coming. Thank goodness that mofo is still in jail! When they moved into the building, there was only supposed to be 5 people; 2 adults, 3 children. Well, it’s more like 12 1/2 people. The regular adults and children and the son, his gf and their child, another grandson, the grand parents, a grown foster child and the baby that the 15 year old is having in April. To make matters worse, they smoke and that ish is all in my house. My landlord (finally!) gave them an eviction notice. Took her too long as far as I’m concerned.

The people at my job are a trip. My boss is not having an issue with my appointments and all but the controller? That’s another story. He actually thinks I will be able to go to chemo and them come in to work for the rest of the day. Can we say he has no clue? Along with that, my work is piling up because I’m never at work to get it finished. Auditors will be here the first week of January. I’m not going to be ready but the Controller doesn’t want to hear that. We are a small company and I could literally lose my job because of this f***ing cancer!

To top it all off, I am going through the ish by myself and that is the hardest part of all. So my emotions are all jacked up. I am not normally an emotional person. Having been divorced at an early age and having to provide for one, now 2, children, completely on my own, emotions are seen as a waste of my time. I now cry at every little thing. I even cried today when I couldn’t reconcile an account. What the frig? I. DON’T. HAVE. TIME. FOR. THIS. I have no idea if this is even normal! I just know I am tired of everyone telling me I’m strong. Have someone tell you YOU have cancer and tell me how strong you are! I know I am a contradiction in terms but just because I am strong doesn’t mean this isn’t bothering me.

I feel a little better after writing this out but punching someone in the face would be much nicer.

At the gym today, I thought of me and the kids taking pictures after chemo but before my surgery. The nice thing was: I saw it. I could visualize it. I saw them in my lap (well, the baby anyway. The boy is TOO big), goofing around, smiling. I even saw the baby tell another little child “My mommy is sick, that’s why she has no hair”. I saw my face, my makeup, earrings. I saw everything. I can actually see a bit further down the road. I’ve been a bit of a doom and gloomer lately. I guess because I was ok with dying, I expected it to happen quickly. So for me to see a future was astonishing and pleasantly surprising.

And let’s face it, I don’t hate anyone else enough to have them take care of the kids! LOL

For those who follow my blog (and I do appreciate my 10 or so readers!) you know I am coming up to a difficult time. For Black Pearl Creations, this means I need to change my lead times on an order. I am now requesting a 4 week lead time from the usual 3 weeks. This change is effective immediately and will continue until at least April 2009. The quality and workmanship will be as high as always and will not suffer.

I appreciate your understanding.