Fed Up (And Chemo Hasn’t Even Started Yet)!
Between the many doctor’s appointments, kids acting up, my emotional roller coaster, my inconsiderate neighbors, and my job I have been in a funk for the last few days. Do I feel like I am coming out of the fog? Hardly.
Yesterday was the straw on the camel’s back as far as scheduling for doctor’s appointments. I made my appointment for a chemo prep surgery for the 18th. The 18th worked for me, my job, kids, everything. A lady from the oncology clinic decided to reschedule my appointment to Monday. If you follow me on Twitter, you know Monday’s are PAYROLL! Needless to say, even though she was trying to help, I was aggrevated. I can make my own appointments, thank you.
I have on average 6 appointments a week. Each appoinment can run anywhere from an hour to 2 hours. My calendar is deceiving because it looks like I have a life!
The kids are just driving me nuts. I don’t know if I am overly tired and stressed and over reacting but someone is going to get hurt and it’s not going to be me.
My neighbors are inconsiderate, rude, trashy, obnoxious and nasty. They are the parents of the lovely 19 year old who decided to assault my son. They literally run when they see me coming. Thank goodness that mofo is still in jail! When they moved into the building, there was only supposed to be 5 people; 2 adults, 3 children. Well, it’s more like 12 1/2 people. The regular adults and children and the son, his gf and their child, another grandson, the grand parents, a grown foster child and the baby that the 15 year old is having in April. To make matters worse, they smoke and that ish is all in my house. My landlord (finally!) gave them an eviction notice. Took her too long as far as I’m concerned.
The people at my job are a trip. My boss is not having an issue with my appointments and all but the controller? That’s another story. He actually thinks I will be able to go to chemo and them come in to work for the rest of the day. Can we say he has no clue? Along with that, my work is piling up because I’m never at work to get it finished. Auditors will be here the first week of January. I’m not going to be ready but the Controller doesn’t want to hear that. We are a small company and I could literally lose my job because of this f***ing cancer!
To top it all off, I am going through the ish by myself and that is the hardest part of all. So my emotions are all jacked up. I am not normally an emotional person. Having been divorced at an early age and having to provide for one, now 2, children, completely on my own, emotions are seen as a waste of my time. I now cry at every little thing. I even cried today when I couldn’t reconcile an account. What the frig? I. DON’T. HAVE. TIME. FOR. THIS. I have no idea if this is even normal! I just know I am tired of everyone telling me I’m strong. Have someone tell you YOU have cancer and tell me how strong you are! I know I am a contradiction in terms but just because I am strong doesn’t mean this isn’t bothering me.
I feel a little better after writing this out but punching someone in the face would be much nicer.
on December 17th, 2008 at 5:59 pm
I feel your pain and I wish I had magic words to take it all away. But, you and I both know that words can’t do it. In 1995 I also fought cancer and then came a second cancer diagnosis (CLL) 2 yrs ago. so I do understand a little of what you are going through. When people say they know you are “strong” it is because they geniunely are trying to give comfort but they just don’t really know what to say, so those words seems to be the what they think is what you want to hear. I have been so scared at times that I thought I couldn’t even get a breath in.
I think what you are feeling and going through is totally normal for this stage of the process. You have been scared to death and anyone that’s ever had a cancer diagnosis knows how intense that fear is. It take sover and controls us. You will eventually get to the point where it all becomes much easier to deal with. I will be happy to talk to you any time you need to talk or even just listen when you need someone to do that.
I am thinking of you and yes I am the same cathy that is Cathy627 on twitter. I also wanted to punch someone in the face.
on December 24th, 2008 at 9:15 pm
I am following you on twitter (Preita) and I hope you don’t mind me commenting.
I hope that things start getting better for you soon, though you seem seriously strong & optimistic about everything (even the crapola).
They deffinately can’t fire you because of going to chemo & getting treatment for cancer. That would be opening them up to a huge lawsuit & state penalties for discrimination.
Maybe you should randomly drop a pamphlet on your controllers desk about chemo. Maybe then he will get it.
on January 2nd, 2009 at 6:24 pm
Preita, even though it’s wrong morally and legally to fire me, we all know it happens. My last job fired me when I told them I was pregnant with my daughter. They wanted me to go quietly so the basically paid me off. At the time, I had myself, my son and an unborn child to take care of. Many people say I should have taken them to court. However, I was able to stay home for 2 years! If I had filed a lawsuit, we’d probably still be in litigation.
As I told you, but may not have mentioned to others, the controller eased up. I think maybe he did his own research or someone politely told him what I am going through. Either way, the stress has reduced dramatically for me!
on January 2nd, 2009 at 6:28 pm
Cathy, thank you so much. It has taken over my life but I have to remind people it’s not my life. I mean, cancer is not Joede. Joede has a family, a job, a business, wants to fall in love, like sledding and has cancer. I’m not as scared anymore. I’m more worried about the superficial things like my hair! LOL I found a book titled “How Am I Gonna Find A Man If I’m Dead?” and that’s my mindset right now! ROFL!!!