Honestly…
Now that I have had a workout and am in the presence of a fairly good day, I think I can write this post with a little bit more honesty than I really want to.
I have always realized I am not a beautiful woman. I was always too nice, and great to hang around but never good enough to be serious with. I attributed this to my friendly, Californian personality (so I was always easy to walk on) and not being pretty. The pretty girls always had the boyfriends and now they have the husbands. I was just seriously getting used to the way I looked and my character. I was content with my bigger than should be hips, my nappy hair, my little pudge, my vivacious laugh and the uncanny ability to embarass my son at the drop of a dime!
The painful truth is breast cancer attacks a woman’s femininity. And not some of it but ALL of it. From her breasts, to her hair, to her teeth to her self-esteem, to her lack of energy and spunk, all aspects that makes a woman a woman is under fire from breast cancer. Not only that, but most women don’t feel like a woman unless they have a boyfriend (we’ll leave the homosexual digression to another time). As I stated before, being a bald, one-breasted woman is not going to attract the boys.
As such, this disease has forced me to face some inconvenient truths about myself:
1. I AM jealous of Barbie. (They are all around me!)
2. I AM being broken down, piece by piece.
3. I AM NOT completely happy with my life, accomplishments or the total person I am.
It’s also forcing me to accomplish inconvenient goals:
1. I HAVE to leave the house confident everyday or it’s just going to go downhill from there.
2. I HAVE to accept who I am. My weaknesses, failures, everything.
3. I HAVE to get others to accept me for who I am. I can no longer rely on my fleeting looks.
on December 30th, 2008 at 11:55 pm
Wow, I am sharing this with my girls. You are still in my prayers, Joede.
on December 31st, 2008 at 5:08 pm
I have only seen the one picture of you that was posted the other day, where you said you needed more makeup (which I disagree with)…
I would like to share a few comments that were made about a picture of me when I’d lost my hair… because I think they were a fabulous key in making me feel good… and because I think they also apply to you:
* still looking good
* still look great
* You still look beautiful
* Absolutely Gorgeous
* ..and still very pretty Mahal!
* true beauty in its purest form
* Babe, You’re Beautiful. I’m glad you made it through. Shows you have true strength and i Love a person Like that
* This is ur most beautiful pic!!!!!!
* Hair or no you’re still one beautiful woman
* I have told woman that when you are beautiful, you could be bald and it not make a difference. I now have proof
These were left by both men and women, and of all races.
Please embrace yourself. You are a very beautiful woman.
on December 31st, 2008 at 7:38 pm
Isn’t it funny how the inconvenient goals are the ones that matter the most in the grand scheme of things…
on January 2nd, 2009 at 12:33 am
Ive seen a couple of pics of you and marvel at your crocheting talent..YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL TALENTED and CREATIVE WOMAN…I totally agree with PurpleJ3nn…perhaps the things she wrote is what you should be telling yourself everyday.
on January 2nd, 2009 at 7:28 pm
J3nn, thank you so much. You (and Cathy) both know what it’s like. It’s encouraging to me when I talk to others like yourself who are “on the other side.”
I pray my words are helping someone else who doesn’t have such a big mouth as I do!
on January 2nd, 2009 at 9:08 pm
@TheComeBackGirl, thank you. Positive affirmations: I’ve heard of them but have honestly, never partook in them. I don’t know if they work or not. I only have so much self-motivation before I burn out.
on January 2nd, 2009 at 9:28 pm
Alise, those inconvenient goals are things I should have worked on a long time ago. I love being thrusted into it! lol
on January 7th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
Now I am angry with myself that I haven’t stopped by here sooner. JOEDE, don’t get me started sis. Where 2 begin? First of all, you’ve got great children. Second of all, you’ve got mad hooker talent. I look at the stuff on your site and can’t imagine having the creative juices and patience to finish that. I barely finished the chevron afghan after three months.
I know you are feeling it because of the treatments. It can’t be easy and I’m not gonna sit here and write “oh I know how you feel”. But I do know how you feel about the “pretty” syndrome. I think every woman has struggled with this issue since the beginning of time. And there are no easy answers.
Just know that even though I have never met you IRL, I do think about you every day and you are in my prayers. I know you’re going to beat this, sis!!!
CeeCee
on January 8th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
Cee Cee, see you need to stop by more often! ROFL!!!